Ok. So this is hard. A very touchy subject that i HATE more than anything in the world to talk about. I have to grit my teeth and bite my lip when someone brings it up to keep my head from exploding and possibly *loosing it.* How come the simplest of questions can bring so much pain? If i hate it so much why am i writing about it now? Maybe i just feel so overwhelmed by it and need to get it out. Writing this stuff is like therapy to me. Just say exactlly what i feel and think and get it all out then look it over and find the solution. Like a mother trying to calm her child and figgure out why he/she came home crying. This time its different. I dont feel a solution. Ive looked soo many places for one, knowing exactlly where it is in the search but im getting tired and hopless. Why cant i just settle for the cold reality of how things are. This is how its ment to be for now. "Lonelly" is the most bitter of all words. It leaves a sour taiste in my mouth to say it. Satan throws that word around like its a play thing, knowing its fire in my hands. Why do i let him get the best of me? Im giving him exactlly what he wants. A reaction. He wins. Happy? Satisfied? Content? Instead of feeling happy and gooshy when i hear a sappy love song play on the radio i find myself cringing and looking for another station. Are you pleased at how this turned out? Of course not. You will never stop thinking of different ways to make my life miserable and all the while laughing at what a fool im acting. Snickering at the thought of me in any kind of pain. I can see your eyes widen and fill with complete overflowing happiness when i fall and curse His name. It makes my heart sink knowing ive allowed him the privelage of any kind of pleasure. I feel heavy. Like all the weight of every hurt ive felt is pushing down on me with tons of pressure. Old wounds are being pestered, opening back up and stinging more than ever. I can NOT let him win. He will loose. Because i am not alone. "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said *"Never will i leave you; never will i forsake you"*"-Hebrews 13:5. I know he will never leave me, and that he has a plan. "For i know the plannes i have for you" declaires the Lord "Plannes to prosper you and not to harm you, plannes to give you hope and a future."" -Jeremiah 29:11. Ive allowed him to win many battles, but not the war. And yes, i'll mess up again. Many times >_<......... But its ok. I need to fall. I need to hurt. I need to know that i am not enough. I need to be reminded of that often, and thats ok. I know i'll come out of this better and stronger and more confident in God. I just really dont like the process. It hurts.

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply."
Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

"Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "Wait".

So today i was reading in James, and came accross James 3:4 (When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures) OH my goodness.... Ever have those Ah Ha moments?! I feel like ive been praying and praying for things i want and i know that God can do (duh he can do everything and anything) But he never answered my prayers.. atleast not in the way i wanted him to. I would ask for things, but not listen for the answer.(ecclestiastes 5:2) Just make it happen God, and we will be friends. Too bad it doesnt work like that. God wants a relationship, with me, and i have been trying to take advantage of Him. I have been praying for things for myself and other people the wrong way. God make this happen to my satisfaction, or pleasure, or convience. I should be praying for Gods will instead. God doesnt answer our selfish prayers. I say God i will be happy if i had a boy friend or money or to be pretty, so make or give me those things. Instead i should be saying. God make me happy in a way that only you know how, a completelly fulfilling way. Like Jesus said to the Samaritian woman at the well "Everyone who drinks from this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks from the water i will give him will never be thirsty again. The water i will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." I want that water, and he is willing to give it to me. The hard part is humbling myself, and accepting it.

venting.... felt a LOT better after writing this.

One of the hardest and most benificial things i think God asks me to do is to die to myself. Why is it so hard? God could just say hey, i love you so im gonna give you everything you want. That would be so much eiser. If everything were given to me, then there would be no growing, or excitment, or victory, or anticipation in life. I think sometimes God lets us hurt so that we will become soft, and moldable like clay in his hands. We are broken so He can fix us into something better than we were before. A lot of people say they regret the bad or hard things they went through in their life, but had i not had the difficult and painfull situations in my life, God wouldnt have had the oppurtunity to build me up into something greater than what i ever would have thought would come from those trials. But just when i think im better, and stronger, i find myself on my knees asking for forgivness, and mercy from God. Why? Why do i fall so many times?.. im so stupid to not understand that what i do on my own will fail EVERY TIME. But i keep trying. How can i become soft like butter in Gods hands without exposing myself, or becoming vulnerable to God and other people around me? I cant. Rejection scares me more than anything. What about rejection from God? How do i makes Gods wants and desires more important than mine, my familys, or my friends? God already knows my flaws, and his will should be my own. Why do i want mine over him? Why do i thnk my ideas are better than the Gods? Why am i so selfish to say i deserve to be loved and cared for? I deserve to spend eternity in the pit of hell. I have to die to myself. I have to die to myself. God wants to take my pain. The hard part is humbling myself and saying "ok God i cant do it on my own. never could. I cant do it on my own. I need you. I want you to take my burden. I want your will to be mine. I want to throw my own desires and wants and priorities away, and make yours take their place. But i cant do that by myself either. I need you to help me. Hold my hand. I need you to stay with me no matter how hard i push you. I need you to love me. I need you to help me die to myself."

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests
to GOD. And the peace of God which
transends all understanding, will guard
your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:6-7

idk who wrote this, but i like it...

There are allways two choices,
two paths to take,
one is easy,
and the only reward
is that its easy.

Treasures

One by one he took them from me,
All the things i valued most,
Until i was empty handed,
Every glittering toy was lost.

And as i walked earth's highway's grieving,
In my rags and poverty.
Till i heard His voice inviting,
"Lift your empty hands to me."

So i held my hands toward heaven,
And He filled them with a store,
Of his own transendent riches,
Till they could contain no more.

And atlast i comprehended
With my stupid mind and dull,
That God could not pour His riches
Into hands already full.

Faith is a belief in testimony
it is not a leap in the dark.
God does not ask any man to believe without
giving him something to believe.
You might as well ask a man to see
without eyes; as to bid him believe without
giving him something to believe.
~L.D. Moody