One of the hardest and most benificial things i think God asks me to do is to die to myself. Why is it so hard? God could just say hey, i love you so im gonna give you everything you want. That would be so much eiser. If everything were given to me, then there would be no growing, or excitment, or victory, or anticipation in life. I think sometimes God lets us hurt so that we will become soft, and moldable like clay in his hands. We are broken so He can fix us into something better than we were before. A lot of people say they regret the bad or hard things they went through in their life, but had i not had the difficult and painfull situations in my life, God wouldnt have had the oppurtunity to build me up into something greater than what i ever would have thought would come from those trials. But just when i think im better, and stronger, i find myself on my knees asking for forgivness, and mercy from God. Why? Why do i fall so many times?.. im so stupid to not understand that what i do on my own will fail EVERY TIME. But i keep trying. How can i become soft like butter in Gods hands without exposing myself, or becoming vulnerable to God and other people around me? I cant. Rejection scares me more than anything. What about rejection from God? How do i makes Gods wants and desires more important than mine, my familys, or my friends? God already knows my flaws, and his will should be my own. Why do i want mine over him? Why do i thnk my ideas are better than the Gods? Why am i so selfish to say i deserve to be loved and cared for? I deserve to spend eternity in the pit of hell. I have to die to myself. I have to die to myself. God wants to take my pain. The hard part is humbling myself and saying "ok God i cant do it on my own. never could. I cant do it on my own. I need you. I want you to take my burden. I want your will to be mine. I want to throw my own desires and wants and priorities away, and make yours take their place. But i cant do that by myself either. I need you to help me. Hold my hand. I need you to stay with me no matter how hard i push you. I need you to love me. I need you to help me die to myself."
Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests
to GOD. And the peace of God which
transends all understanding, will guard
your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:6-7
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