Ok. So this is hard. A very touchy subject that i HATE more than anything in the world to talk about. I have to grit my teeth and bite my lip when someone brings it up to keep my head from exploding and possibly *loosing it.* How come the simplest of questions can bring so much pain? If i hate it so much why am i writing about it now? Maybe i just feel so overwhelmed by it and need to get it out. Writing this stuff is like therapy to me. Just say exactlly what i feel and think and get it all out then look it over and find the solution. Like a mother trying to calm her child and figgure out why he/she came home crying. This time its different. I dont feel a solution. Ive looked soo many places for one, knowing exactlly where it is in the search but im getting tired and hopless. Why cant i just settle for the cold reality of how things are. This is how its ment to be for now. "Lonelly" is the most bitter of all words. It leaves a sour taiste in my mouth to say it. Satan throws that word around like its a play thing, knowing its fire in my hands. Why do i let him get the best of me? Im giving him exactlly what he wants. A reaction. He wins. Happy? Satisfied? Content? Instead of feeling happy and gooshy when i hear a sappy love song play on the radio i find myself cringing and looking for another station. Are you pleased at how this turned out? Of course not. You will never stop thinking of different ways to make my life miserable and all the while laughing at what a fool im acting. Snickering at the thought of me in any kind of pain. I can see your eyes widen and fill with complete overflowing happiness when i fall and curse His name. It makes my heart sink knowing ive allowed him the privelage of any kind of pleasure. I feel heavy. Like all the weight of every hurt ive felt is pushing down on me with tons of pressure. Old wounds are being pestered, opening back up and stinging more than ever. I can NOT let him win. He will loose. Because i am not alone. "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said *"Never will i leave you; never will i forsake you"*"-Hebrews 13:5. I know he will never leave me, and that he has a plan. "For i know the plannes i have for you" declaires the Lord "Plannes to prosper you and not to harm you, plannes to give you hope and a future."" -Jeremiah 29:11. Ive allowed him to win many battles, but not the war. And yes, i'll mess up again. Many times >_<......... But its ok. I need to fall. I need to hurt. I need to know that i am not enough. I need to be reminded of that often, and thats ok. I know i'll come out of this better and stronger and more confident in God. I just really dont like the process. It hurts.